Cheese, Please!

Written by Tod Stewart | 22 February 2009

When Tidings’ esteemed editor asked me if I could crib a few lines on matching wine and cheese, I said, “Sure. Love to.” Or words to that effect. What I was really thinking was, “Crap.” I mean, of all the words written about matching wine and food, has not more been written about the pairing of wine and that particular food called cheese? Did we really need to club this sorry (and rather dead) animal again? I doubted I could give readers anything more than what they no doubt already knew. (Those who get to the end of this piece may indeed very much agree that I should have acquiesced to my doubts. However, my editor asked for words, and words he would get. Plus, I needed the money.)

Manuals penned about the wine-and-cheese tango inevitably screech to the same conclusions: wine with cheese works. Or wine with cheese sucks. Or wine with cheese sorta works, but also sorta sucks. In other words, the jury’s out. To separate the curd from the whey, I decided to deviate from my usual method of researching — plagiarizing from the Internet and hoping nobody catches on (kidding, okay? Put the phone down) — and get ripe, ripped and stinky.

Carry on, whey-ward son

My first task was to assemble an impartial research staff. Men of courage and fortitude. Swashbuckling, cleft-chin types who could stare down even the most virulent Époisses and who would consider, if only for a moment, decommissioning their cell phones, PDAs, Crackberries, pagers, GPIs, subcutaneous implants, babel fish and other such “essential services” long enough to at least give a passing nod to the task at hand. Yes, it was daunting, and compromises, admittedly, had to be (and were) made.

Introducing the Curd Crew

Peter (“Pierre” when eating French cheese and drinking French wine). Bon vivant and man-about-the-world. Member of this guild, that society; covert Illuminati-like sects.

Distinguished, reprobate and irrefutable. Happened (against all odds) to be available on this particular Friday night.

Ian (still “Ian” when eating French cheese and drinking French wine. Unless his wife is present, in which case his name is “Eey-Yahn.” She’s French, ’nuff said). Linguist extraordinaire, professor to offspring of snooty upper-crust types and lover of all things French (including, presumably, his wife). Went out and bought the cheese. All French (except the Spanish one, probably purchased in error).

Fred (just “Fred,” no matter what state of libation, intoxication or excess). Great, great, great — grate — relation of Archduke Ferdinand of Austria (so somehow responsible for the Great War). Agent representing wines of South Africa (brought a French Gewürztraminer to the event … likely so as not to offend Ian, though he would probably swear that Gewürztraminer originated in South Africa … or at least Austria). Looks like a Californian surfer (which was almost grounds for dismissal). Was also available, so we dismissed the dismissal.

The main event (aka le grand fromage massacre)

With a heap of fromages and a quiver of bottles, we set to work. Each went their own way. I chose the methodical, scientific and (up to a point) sober approach. Others went rogue. But we all came to (more or less) the same conclusions. Conclusions that, I might add, are highly unoriginal.

Red wines tend to work with hard cheeses (with exceptions).
White wines tend to work with soft cheeses (with exceptions).
Sweet wines tend to work with salty/blue cheeses.

At least one cheese worked with almost every wine. At least one cheese worked with almost none. And there was the occasional pairing that made us all take note, either because of its surprising harmony or its disgusting dissonance.
Please try this at home.